If Only I Had A Doula When….My Mother Died

If only I had a doula when my mother’s co worker called me saying she had been not feeling well and was taken by ambulance to the hospital.


If only I had a doula when I called said hospital and immediately was transferred to the chaplain. I knew what that meant.


If only I had a doula to tell me my first step was to feel. That it was ok to lose it, to lay on the floor screaming, aching, longing, struggling to process what was happening.


If only I had a doula not feel for me, but to be present for me. That anyone who looked at me was filled with pity, and sorrow. I wish I had a doula to say, “take one step at a time”.


If only I had a doula when I needed to know options about funeral arrangements, instead of a room full of my family forcing options, what they wanted, what she would have wanted. A doula to talk me through my options of probate, to sit with me while I cleaned out the house of 23 years of our memories as an only child and single parent household.


If only I had a doula when I needed someone to support me as I stood there shaking hand after hand for 4 hours at the visitation and “I’m so sorry” was the only thing people could say. To hold me when I lost it, finally, at the funeral, for being strong can only last so long.


If only I had a doula when I needed the support to come from someone who unbiasedly thought about me, with no judgement and not related to me or friends who knew my mother and tell me it was ok to be human.


The one solid piece of advice I got was when I turned on my mother’s cell phone that I dug out of her purse, turned it on and the screen said “Be Brave”. I learned that day, that even angels can be doulas. Finally, someone said
something other then I’m so sorry.


Authored by

Emily Jacobson

An Open Letter To My Family and Friends About Miscarriage


October is infant loss awareness month, According to http/www.firstcandle.org/october-is-awareness-month/

“Each and every day, in communities across America, expectant moms will feel their baby’s first kick; parents will listen to their newborn’s first cry; and families will celebrate the birthday of a healthy baby. Also each and every day, 13 babies will be lost to SIDS and other sudden, unexpected infant deaths; more than 70 new parents will have listened sadly their stillborn baby’s silence; and countless lives will be lost to miscarriage and other causes of infant death.

A few of the Green Bay Doulas have experienced loss and Sam, one of our postpartum placenta specialists was gracious enough to share with us, and you, the following words.

An open letter to my family and friends about miscarriage.

My husband and I had a discussion yesterday that hit home with me: if I want people to know I am grieving, I actually have to tell them. So here it is…

There will be no funeral for the child that has already gone to heaven, so tiny that I never got to hold them with my hands but only with my heart. I will never forget the baby I wished for, and the day baby left.

I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, to think “wow, her life sucks”, or throw me a pity party. I can do that all by myself. I just want people to know I am sad, mourning for my baby and all the hopes and dreams that went with my angel in heaven.

Please don’t say “well you’re young you can always try again” or “things always happen for a reason”. I wanted this baby, not any other, and there is no good reason why babies die.

If fact, you don’t have to say anything. A quiet prayer or a lit candle works quite sufficiently.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I want to make a difference in the world by supporting women as a bereavement doula, and never once thought that I would have the experience in loss myself. I hope that when I reach that point, when things get a little easier, I can support other women and let them know it is ok to talk about loss and we shouldn’t have to hide the hurt.

Love you all,